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How to tell someone you’re not interested after going on a few dates with them? Well, it depends on how well you know them and how many dates you went on! Let’s have a look at various ideas of how to tell someone you’re not interested and letting someone down gently.
If you met someone online and then went on a date, then you don’t have that much obligation toward them—you hardly know them. Granted you have only spoken for them a little while online. If you’ve spoken to them for many months, then it’s different.
Let’s say you met someone online and scheduled a date within a week or two—before you’ve bared your hearts and souls. It’s just been some general chatting and you met for a drink. Immediately, you realize there’s no real life chemistry.
After the date, you can simply choose not to send a text to thank them for the date. You don’t have any obligation toward them—you don’t know them and now that you’ve met, you know you don’t want to get to know them.
Of course, you can also do the honorable thing and send a text saying it was nice meeting them, but you don’t feel any real life chemistry. For example, you can write: Lovely meeting you, however, I didn’t feel any chemistry so I don’t want to pursue this further. Thanks for your time though :)”
If, on the other hand, you’ve chatted with them for months before meeting, then you are obliged to tell them what you feel.
“Thanks for finally meeting up with me! I had a good time. I confess though that I don’t feel that “sizzling chemistry” in real life. I’m sorry because we’ve chatted for so long and I really like you as a person.”
If you want to be friends with them, see below.
You think they’re fab, you just don’t feel the attraction. What to do and how to tell someone you’re not interested? Tell the truth. Yes, they might get offended if they’re being friend zoned, but if they can’t handle that, too bad. If they can, then you two might end up besties!
If you, as in the example above, have been chatting to them for quite a while, then you can say: “Hey, it was lovely finally meeting you! I’m getting friends vibes, not relationships vibes, though. What about you? You think we could become friends? We’ve chatted so much and I really enjoy it. I just don’t think we’d fit in a relationship, but I would love to keep getting to know you and become friends (in real life) with you! If you agree, maybe we can do coffee next week?”
If you haven’t known them for so long, then you could just say: “Great meeting you! I’d love to get to know you better but I’m getting friends vibes, so would you be up for that? Keep chatting and meeting up to get to know each other, but as friends? :)”
If you’ve gone on two to three dates, then you have to tell someone you’re not interested. You can’t just disappear into thin air. Or, well, you can. However, it’s disrespectful. And they’re likely to write you off as a coward if you do. [Read: 10 Tips For A Second Date]
If it’s just been a couple of dates, it’s fine to let them know over text. If you’ve been talking for months beforehand, then it’s another story. But for this example, let’s assume you’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks.
Write them a text saying how you feel. “Hey there, I hope you’re having a good day! :) I just wanted to tell you that while I’ve enjoyed going out with you, I don’t feel like we have the right chemistry to take things further. I’m not sure why, I just don’t feel that way. I hope you’ve had fun—it’s been great getting to know you and I’ve enjoyed our dates. I just want to let you know and I hope I’m not letting you down.”
If you want to stay friends, say: “Hey there, I hope you’re having a good day! :) I just wanted to tell you that while I’ve enjoyed going out with you, I don’t feel like we have the right chemistry for a relationship. I hope you’ve had fun—it’s been great getting to know you and I’ve enjoyed our dates. If you want to stay friends, I’d love to get to know you better. I just don’t want to mislead you, as I don’t think this will develop into a relationship. However, I’d love to keep seeing you as a friend, if you’d be OK with that? Let me know and we can make a plan. Maybe meet up for a hike soon? :)”
If you’ve been on a couple of dates with a friend, then you can possibly text them to say you want things going back to what they used to be—you prefer a friendship. However, it may be better saying it in person. After all, that will allow you to face it properly so there’s no awkwardness when you meet again. Also, they may feel that you honor them more if you meet in person. [Read: Best Tinder Openning Lines]
“I’ve enjoyed going on dates with you, but I miss the way things used to be. I felt more comfortable being friends with you than dating you. I miss the connection we had as friends. Would it be OK with you if we go back to that? I know some people don’t like being friends with someone they’ve dated, but I really miss us as friends. I feel like dating you will mess with our friendship and frankly, I feel more for you as a friend than a date, if that makes sense?” This could be used whether you text them, or see them in person.
If you’ve chatted for a long time on an online dating platform and then go on a couple of dates, it’s also wise to tell someone in person if you don’t want to see them anymore. Especially if you feel the two of you are close and talk to each other on a daily basis.
When you meet someone face to face, tell them that you’ve enjoyed getting to know them, but that you feel that what has developed is more of a friendship and you don’t see it going toward something more romantic. It just doesn’t feel right.
If you want to stay friends with them, then go onto telling them that you really appreciate the friendship and don’t want to lose it. You’ve come to appreciate having them in your life and would love to keep that connection. If they don’t feel comfortable, of course, you understand.
Should the person live far away from you, you can either do it via text or over the phone. If a text, it can read: “I have something I need to tell you. I have been thinking a lot about this and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with you. I don’t know why, because I really love our friendships, but the “spark” just doesn’t seem to be there for me. I’m really disappointed, both because I don’t want to let you down and because I was hoping for something more. However, I feel we’ve really bonded as friends and I’d love to keep our friendship alive and keep chatting with you and seeing you—if you’ll let me! I don’t know how you feel—maybe you feel the same way. I just really appreciate you, but don’t feel that spark for romance even though I like you very much. And I’d very much like to keep seeing you as a friend.“
If you don’t want to continue the friendship, then just tell them that you feel that after dating for a while there isn’t really a connection. You’ve enjoyed getting to know them, but you can’t see things going further and do not know how to tell someone you’re not interested. You hope they don’t feel you’ve wasted their time, and that they’ve enjoyed themselves. [Read: Does He Still Love Me?]
In a text you could write: “Hey there, I have been doing some thinking and while I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, I don’t feel that we have the kind of connection needed to take things further. You’re a lovely person, so I’m sorry I don’t feel that way, but I have to tell you as I don’t want things to carry on and you getting the wrong impression. The last thing I want to do is let you down!”
If you tell them in person, the gist is the same, only you ask them out for a cup of coffee, or something else that’s “simple.” I.e. not an elaborate date, but rather “Why don’t we grab a coffee today after work?”
Respect is the name of the game if you need to tell someone you’re not interested. Be kind, be humble, and let people down gently. If they ask you for a reason and you don’t want to tell or you don’t know how to tell someone you’re not interested, say that you just don’t feel that there’s the kind of connection needed for a long-term relationship. If you know the reason, then tell them—granted you can do so kindly and they’re the kind of person who can handle it.
Don’t lead people astray—don’t keep dating them to be “kind” as it’s not kind to lead people on. Likewise, don’t “ghost” someone to be “kind.” It’s not kinder to disappear without explanation than telling someone you don’t want to keep seeing them. Consider how you’d act if you lived in a village where you’d constantly bump into the person. Act in accordance with how you’d act if you were to see them over and over again after the breakup.
Also, avoid telling someone you want to be friends if that’s not the case. It’s not “nicer” to let someone down by telling them you want to be friends. Telling them the truth will set them free to pursue other friendships and dates.